When Basketball’s Greatest Heroes United
Since it seems to be throwback week on GD, I wanted to get into the act by pulling together something I’ve been mulling for a while. A few weeks back I was listening to Bill Simmons pimp ESPN’s 30 for 30 documentary series on his podcast for the 136th time, but in the middle of the self-aggrandizement, he brought up the rumor that somewhere there exists a tape of the 1992 Dream Team playing a game of real world pickup. Just the idea of that tape existing somewhere, and the infinitesimally small chance that I might ever get to see it shot me directly down a path to Nostalgiaville, where no matter how hard I dug through my imaginary pile of dirty clothes I just could not find my sweet Dream Team caricature tee.
At any rate, while I was drifting through dreamland, it suddenly occurred to me that The Dream Team was just like the concept of the Justice League. Everything great, joining forces for the sake of good, to triumph over the Injustice League (bad guys are so creative), or, in this case, Drazen Petrovic and those evil Croats.
Let’s take a look at the 1992 Dream Team if they were the Justice League.
Michael Jordan is Superman
This one is easy and obvious. The strongest, the best of all time, the alpha dog. Mike was the clear leader of the Dream Team in the same way that Superman led the JLA.
However, even Supes realized he couldn’t do it on his own. And even in groups of good guys, the leader needs a foil. Luckily for Mike (and Supes), his right hand man was also his biggest challenger.
Magic Johnson is Batman
Like it or not, Batman’s leadership and craftiness played as big a role in shaping the JLA as Supes’ might is right approach. Magic may not have had the same gifts as Michael, but he certainly had a confounding bag of tricks to throw at the enemy. Like Batman and Superman, when Michael and Magic clashed it always seemed like a one-sided affair but you could never be sure who was going to come out on top.
Scottie Pippen is Wonder Woman
I don’t mean to imply that Scottie is less of a man than the others, simply that he was as much a part of Jordan’s success as Diana was to Superman’s. Supes’ ongoing sexual tension with Wonder Woman was equaled only by the ongoing bromance between the Bulls’ two best players. Success for one meant success for both.
Wonder Woman was also capable of slammer her bracelets together hard enough to make Superman’s ears bleed, and I heard Scottie was the master of the locker room towel snap.
Larry Bird is Green Arrow
Sometimes, things just makes sense. Here we have two blonde dudes who love wearing green and who are renowned for their sharpshooting. Green Arrow even has a moustache!
Arrow is renowned for being gritty, determined, and being a premier member of the team despite his lack of physical gifts. If I didn’t just describe to a tee the Hick from French Lick, then I don’t know what to tell you.
Charles Barkley is Green Lantern
When you think of secondary superstars from this era, you think of Chuck. When you think of secondary members of the Justice League, you think of Green Lantern.
However, Green Lantern, while being a lone peacekeeper in his sector of the universe, he made his real hay with the JLA. Chuck may never have led his team to a championship, but he was an integral part of the success of the Dream Team. Sir Charles never failed to bring the swagger, and was renowned for playing bigger than he was. GL’s ring ran on the power of will. Plus, either one of these guys might dance around you, but neither one is going to hesitate to punch you right in the face.
John Stockton is The Flash
Undersized, underpowered, quick, elusive, scrappy, cheap, superhuman reflexes and vision, violates the laws of physics, anything to win.
All those adjectives describe both these bastards. Stockton is the NBA all time steals leader, The Flash, well, The Flash probably pinched Wonder Woman’s ass as many times as he could get away with. Stockton was known for his tenacious D and manic preparation, The Flash was just manic. Also, The Flash was by far the best at executing the pick and roll and driving the rest of the team nuts.
Karl Malone is The Atom
Hard to know what to make of these two. Notorious “tough guys”, Atom’s powers were control of his body on an atomic level, allowing him to manipulate his weight and mass to his advantage, much like The Mailman in the high post.
Karl Malone was one of the best forwards I’d ever seen play, but unfortunately the reason he’s most like The Atom is each of their memorable storylines. When shit got real (say Identity Crisis or the NBA Playoffs), both shrank to subatomic size and disappeared.
Clyde Drexler is Aquaman
The Glyde might be the most underrated star of his era. But when it comes to the Dream Team, it seems as though he was mostly just there for the sake of being there. Same deal with Aquaman. Kinda feels like the JLA just had to include him because he was around, right? Especially considering their base was in space. I see Mike and Scottie making fun of Clyde behind his back the same way I would expect Supes and Batman to be dirisive about Aquaman. “Yeah, thanks for calling all your sea friends to help us, douche. Ooh, King of Atlantis. Spectacular.”
David Robinson is Martian Manhunter
Stoicism, otherworldly physique, vulnerability to flame. Only a few of the traits shared by J’onn J’onzz and David Robinson.
A great and powerful force with little in the way of personality, yet an integral part to a championship team.
Actually, J’onzz possesses the power of shapeshifting, anyone seen these two in the same place at the same time?
Chris Mullin is Hawkman
Chris Mullin looks like a science teacher that someone mistakenly let onto the basketball court.
Hawkman is a teacher that found a metal that allowed him to fly and grabbed some old weapons out of a museum to fight crime with.
Both are fringe characters for our purposes and no one really knows how they got on the teams to begin with. For chrissakes, Hawkman’s wings aren’t even real. On a team laden with HOFers, Mullin sticks out like sore thumb.
Christian Laettner is Black Canary
Long flowing blonde locks?
Power to scream at the top of lungs and incapacitate foes?
Totally out of place on this team?
Sounds like Chrissy Laettner to me.
Patrick Ewing is Solomon Grundy
You’re right, Solomon Grundy is a bad guy. But we’re out of Justice Leaguers, and doesn’t Grundy look like he would have been a beast to guard in the post?
Also, a dude that big has to have knee problems, right?
Besides, It’s not like I could have compared Pat to this guy.
Interesting juxtaposition with the Dream Team and JLA. Since I’m a comic book snob and always felt that JLA was just a little too “clean” and “straight and narrow”, I wonder how you would draw the same comparisons when substituting the X-Men or the Avengers for JLA?
In fact, don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of that…