Real Men Of Genius: Mr. Middle-Aged Mini Van Driver
“Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I’m awesome. I’m your bro–I’m Broda!”
– Barney Stinson
In the spirit of the commercial series done by the good people at Bud Light, I’d like to take a moment to salute someone that I encountered on the way home from Spokane this weekend: the middle-aged minivan driver man. And in that spirit I’d like to dedicate this song to him. (Side note: the short segments with the exclamation points are supposed to be sung in the style of the cheesy dude on the commercials, whilst the longer ones are narrated.) Enjoy!
Real Men Of Genius: Mr. Middle-Aged Mini Van Driver
We salute you, Mr. Middle-Aged Mini Van Driver. As you cram your five kids into the back seats on the way to their ballet recital, you start to wonder where your life went wrong.
It’s got high safety standards!
As you drive that minibus through the espresso stand, the hot chick pouring your coffee giggles at you, and not because she thinks you’re cute.
It’s not a chick magnet!
When you’re running late to your kids’ soccer practice and doing 70 down a residential road, you realize that it corners like a pregnant whale.
I wanted a Mustang!
When you floor the gas pedal you realize that the engine sounds like a lawnmower about to die.
It gets good gas mileage!
When you roll down the widows, the wind speed damn near blows off your toupe. I don’t know how that’s relevant, but it is.
I can fit seven dead bodies in the back!
So take comfort, Mr. Middle-Aged Mini Van Driver. Why drive a man’s car when your wife has your balls in her purse?
Mr. Overweight, Balding, Effeminate, Middle-Aged Mini Van Driiiiiiiver!
Btw, FU. Someday if you’re lucky and some woman takes pity on you, perhaps you’ll be blessed with the opportunity to NEED a minivan.
Sure it’s not cool, but trucking around the little ones sure is.
One the bright side, you’ll probably never knock up the hand towel that you’ve reserved for you affection.
Doug, is that you?
I’m really more of a station wagon type of guy…
Minivans are cool. Absolutely the most functional object for the many tasks we use vehicles for…kinda’ like a female contortionist would be considered the most functional for other things.