Zoom In!

[via Buzzfeed, via urlybits]

He claims he can do or not do drugs as a choice.

He claims he can beat addiction with his mind.

That’s pretty awesome.  He won’t hesitate to tell you how awesome it is.

With 2 million twitter followers and growing, he may be undoing 30 years of drug education. Not the ridiculous “no tolerance” point of view, of course, but the one about the very real consequences and very actual dangers (for most of us, but not for Charlie of course) that come along with abuse of addictive drugs like cocaine and crack.

Charlie Sheen has, if you believe in his sobriety, chosen to allow his id to become the whole of his personality.

Charlie Sheen is behaving perhaps the way anyone would behave in a vacuum if allowed to behave however one would wish with zero consequences.  It appears, given his resources, and depending on his ability to control his addiction, that he may continue to do so as long as he’s responsible and is capable of making smart decisions, those that keep him out of jail and alive.

If one had enough money, one is capable of ensuring that drug use stays as legal as possible.  Pay for delivery, pay to ensure you have access to whatever you want when you want it and nothing more, and do your best to make sure any crimes you commit are of little consequence.  And if not, ensure whatever assets at your disposal are capable of acting as a golden parachute.  Pay well enough to make sure those you interact with are more motivated by loyalty rather than whatever fame or small fortune they may encounter by betraying you (what a fool, that Kacey Jordan!).

Charlie Sheen has well deserved infamy for his behavior with women.  His explanation seems to be that he was pushed to his admittedly intolerant breaking point by the need for him to behave as a member of polite society.   After all, it’s Hollywood, it’s certainly likely that Chuck Lorre is an insufferable ass, and his vanity cards certainly indicate he thinks father knows best.

Charlie Sheen, while deploying some of the most amazing language possible to express himself, has chosen to put us all on notice that he chooses not to live that life anymore, to ignore the rules of society, and to behave however he damn well pleases because he has enough money to do so as long as he stays inside the law.

His relationship with women, nay, with everyone, can be extolled in single sentence.  “I’m going to behave like THIS, and you choose if you’d like to be around it”.

For evidence, see his tweet about Rachel “Bree Olson” Oberlin moving out of the so-called Sober Valley Ranch, his wishing her well, and immediately requesting applications for a replacement.

Understand that it may be that he no longer feels that he needs emotional “love”, at least from women, by the way he speaks about and will almost certainly fight for his children, the only people in the world who are sure to love him unconditionally, even if they end up hating themselves for it.  Charlie’s parenthood is the only thing that truly causes pause from an analytical point of view, for it’s nearly certain that even if his bottled insanity isn’t drug fueled and doesn’t lead his children into a life of physical pain, it may certainly lead them to a life of emotional turmoil as they are forced to choose between a life in polite society and a life with their father.

Charlie Sheen has evolved into the most aggressive douche you either wish you could be, a Tucker Max with fuck you money, and whom you probably look down on for not being a reasonable member of that same polite society.  But if you’re being honest about the things you think but probably do not say, you might wish you could be, but for one thing: the human goal of love and companionship.

Charlie Sheen may not live by your version of the golden rule, but how does that differ from the way the person who cut you off on the freeway this morning, or who stole your bike last week, or who cut in the coffee line chooses to disrespect you?

The difference is that Charlie Sheen doesn’t have to, because he can afford to live a life surrounded by a bubble of like minded thinkers, or at least those for whom the allure of the lifestyle Charlie’s orbit offers is enough for them to willingly put up with all this crazy shit.

If he truly can use/not use drugs like he says he can, and can perhaps stay sober enough to work regularly and continually replenish his fortune – AND if he’s capable of putting this id away while on set, he suddenly becomes the high water mark, the goal for a generation of people whose primary goal is fame and who’s favorite show is almost certainly Entourage.  A generation of douchebags.  SEE: Teen Mom.

Most billionaires feel a need to improve society, or at least pretend they do as that’s what we expect.  Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, and the like have made a second career out of philanthropy, but even misanthropic billionaires create jobs.  Paul Allen, who from some accounts is a borderline sociopath, gives back indirectly to his local communities by owning and generously funding professional sports teams responsible for the joy and distraction of millions.

Charlie Sheen is one man, doing whatever he wants, with something resembling a billion dollars.

The only thing I can recall in my lifetime that’s of similar ilk would be Ross Perot using his own fuck you money to say just that to a government he resented and attempt to change it by buying his way to the Presidency, and more importantly, doing so with conviction.  Who sets the line between “passionate”, “angry”, and “lunacy”?  He who has the gold makes the rules.

Charlie Sheen, if successful at being not only able to indulge himself completely in the nature of the id,  but to make millions of dollars while doing so, may not be cause but may be catalyst for a dystopian future predicted for years by countless movies.   He could very well push us further and faster into the class warfare that’s been growing in America for 50 years and talked about for 25.

A nation of Haves  – those who work toward what we consider a noble purpose: career, family, God – who often enjoy the benefits of moderate to expansive wealth in polite society.  The majority are driven by the need to have the presence of love and respect of others in their lives.  The rest pretend to, they are the ones we fear, the con men who take advantage of the unwritten rules in search of ill gotten gains and are nothing other than Charlie Sheen without the publicly distributed warning label.

And the rest: Have Nots, whose failed attempt to emulate their new Idol leads them near or overwhelmed by a life of  ruin surrounded by drug addiction, poverty, violence, and ignominious death.

Don’t be surprised if you’re soon in an elevator, and when arriving at your floor, rather than let you exit before boarding, Charlie Sheen, with his goddesses in tow, push past you and knock you to the ground.

Expect no apology, but rather a look of disdain and mention of “winning“, followed immediately by an invitation to party.

However many choose to get infused with Tiger Blood may just decide whether our future is Beyond Thunderdome, where this time the mysterious MuhSheen runs Bartertown, rather than Wall-E, because minus the whole having to be fat blobs with no bone structure, isn’t that what the upper middle class is shooting for anyway? Or is that 60 inch TV and recliner sofa there because it’s the best place for you to make a difference in the world?

After nearly a year of radio silence, General Disdain is back online.

Here’s the deal:  I am crazy busy in the real world, but not writing at all (or only doing so 140 characters at a time on Twitter, which hardly qualifies) has been haunting me more than I expected.

So, don’t expect multiple updates a week, but when I’ve got something to get out, this will be the place that I do so.  If you like it, great!  If not, oh well.  So re-add GD to your RSS reader and you’ll have something new to read when I have something new to say.  Sound good?

I’ll accept your silence as tacit agreement.

Thanks to everyone who stopped by during this blog’s brief April to December run, we had fun.  The site will stay up in its current form for a while, and perhaps a rebirth will occur down the road.

We’ll leave you for now with one more post by Gluford Tannen (below) , simply because it’s both great work and important knowledge.  Take it easy, everybody.

-Keifer

Yesterday I awoke and decided that it was a good day to slake my thirst. I scooted down to the watering hole expecting another garden-variety day at the pub going through my normal you-give-me-free-beer-and-I’ll-tip-you-well routine. I’d get a good sandwich and some chili, drink a few pops, banter with the bar staff, and read a good book. But when I walked in to the pub I realized it was going to be a day unlike any other: my bartender was gone.

In her place was a completely new bartender that I’d never seen before. My world was turned upside down. Would I now have to pay full price for a beer? Would the new barkeep appreciate my quirky wit and razor sharp banter? Would I commit some unknown pub-related social faux pas and be forever cursed with crappy service and high prices? I was faced with quite the conundrum: how do I get the mildly attractive new bartender to comp me free beer?

A situation such as this requires a delicate balance, particularly since the new bartender was a fairly attractive woman working in a bar whose patrons are mostly scruffy physics professors and wannabe hipsters. If you are shy and quiet, you will be just like every other nerdy grad student that frequents the pub. If you are too friendly, she will think that you are either 1) trying to hit on her, 2) being fake-friendly in a futile attempt to get free beer, or 3) all of the above.

There is a specific set of moves you must make in a “new bartender” situation. While it is possible to execute it all in the first day, it will typically take a few days since time is the only sure-fire way to prove that you are a regular.

Step One: The Pick-Up Line. No, I don’t mean hit on her. The Pick-Up Line is a way to subtly but overtly show the new bartender that you are not just some average joe off the street, but that you are well versed in the libations of the establishment. In this particular setting, be sure to see if there are any new beers offered—preferably seasonal—and say something to the effect of, “Oh, I see that you’re carrying such-and-such now.” By using The Pick-Up Line as your first words to the new bartender you have shown that this is not your first time in the pub and—more importantly—that you are fluent in the varieties of beers offered. You are not a rookie, no, you are a savvy Veteran Of The Bar!

Step Two: Be Consistent. This step usually requires appearances at the watering hole on at least two different days. You should consistently order your favorite beverage from the new barkeep. This will etch your face and tastes into her mind. You will be easier to remember if you’re “the IPA guy”. However, you must be certain that your drink is appropriate for the ambience/patronage. Example: ordering a class of merlot at an Irish pub. You’ll be remembered not as the cool regular, but rather as the effeminate douche-bag who is unworthy of beers on the house. That being said, certain drinks are appropriate in some locations and not others. Cider can be one of these hermaphrodites. Ordering cider at an Irish pub is okay, but ordering it at a brewpub is not. If your favorite watering hole is a brewpub, find a one of their good beers and stick with it. If it’s not a brewpub, find a good microbrew—preferably local—and stick with it. Manny’s or Mac & Jack’s are good ones.

Step Three: Go For The Intro. Once the new barkeep remembers you as “the IPA guy” (or whatever your drink of choice is), introduce yourself to her. Bartenders will not comp beers to anyone with whom they are not on a first name basis. Once you have introduced yourself, make some light conversation, preferably about something a bit more substantive than the weather. You should come off as polite and intelligent (not to mention a good tipper). One word of warning: do not Bogart the bartender’s time. There are other people at the bar who need attention too. You are not her only source of tips.

Step Four: Patience. This is very, very important. Once you have used The Pick-Up Line, been consistent, and gone for the intro, you must wait. Never, ever, EVER ask for free beer. In the world of pubs the barkeep is the omnipotent god of the universe. You exist at the pub solely at her discretion. While the good barkeep can be benevolent, she can also be wrathful and quick to anger. Asking for free beer is hubris that will not be tolerated.

It probably won’t happen during your first encounter with the new barkeep. It probably won’t work the time after that, or the time after the time after that. But with patience, consistency, and good tipping, the free beer will flow.

New York Jets (-1) sort of @ Buffalo Bills
This game is in Toronto.  If I recall last season’s Toronto experiment, the crowd was odd, lukewarm, and seemingly confused about what was going on on the field.  Canada has their own football league, Toronto has its own team in said league, and without doing any research whatsoever, don’t those teams do fairly well fan-wise?  What’s Toronto’s motivation to get behind an American football team, exactly?  Were they clamoring for this?  I have so many questions!  Matter of fact, the American commissioner of the NHL won’t let Hamilton, a suburb of Toronto, have their own hockey team, and I know for a fact they’re clamoring for that.  Right, the football game.  I’d be lying if I said I had any good reason for liking the Jets in this game, they’ve lost to the same crappy team (Miami) that the Bills beat last week, and they’ve done so twice.  They’ve already lost once to Buffalo at home.  It’s inexplicable, but if I’m laying money on this game, I’m taking the Jets.  How’s that for analysis?
The Pick: NY Jets (-1)

–Update–

I was short of time this week so only a limited amount of pithy analysis.  I did, however, do the research I failed to do for Thanksgiving (though I did end up with a winning record last week as well as hitting a three teamer).  Home team is listed second in every matchup, the picked team is in bold.

Philadelphia Eagles (-1.5) @ Atlanta Falcons*
No Turner, no Ryan, no Jenkins, no cover for the Falcons.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+7.5) @ Carolina Panthers
DeAngelo Williams doesn’t look like he’s going to play, and I’m not sure about Jonathan Stewart’s achilles and a full workday.  Carolina’s starting Matt Moore at QB.  I like the points.

St. Louis Rams (+9.5) @ Chicago Bears
Steven Jackson is the difference maker here.  He’s said he’s going to play but is concerned about how his back will respond in the cold.  Chicago is so uneven I wouldn’t pick them to beat anyone by double digits.

Detroit Lions @ Cincinnati Bengals (-14)

Tennessee Titans (+8) @ Indianapolis Colts
The Colts have just struggled so much lately to put mediocre teams away.  I don’t necessarily think the Titans will break the Colt’s winning streak, just that they’ll keep it close.

Houston Texans @ Jacksonville Jaguars (PK)
The only time to put money on Jacksonville is at home (after all, it’s quiet there).  They’re still battling for a playoff spot and this game is probably their last best chance to put themselves in the driver’s seat.  I think a better output than usual is on tap.

Denver Broncos (-4) @ Kansas City Chiefs
Any chance at the playoffs means beating the teams you’re supposed to beat.

Oakland Raiders @ Pittsburgh Steelers (-11.5)
If this wasn’t in Pittsburgh, and if the Steelers didn’t need a win so badly, I might take the Raiders to cover.  I now realize that last sentence has no bearing on this bet whatsoever.

New Orleans Saints (-9.5) @ Washington Redskins*
I will take the Saints to cover a single digit spread against any team in the league for the rest of the season barring them resting their starters.

New England Patriots (-5) @ Miami Dolphins
The Pats tend to struggle in Florida, that’s a certainty.  However, down the stretch, I prefer to gamble on the team that needs it more.  The Pats need a win desperately after two straight (embarrassing) losses.

San Diego Chargers (-13.5) @ Cleveland Browns
The Browns defense is better than you think.  Having said that, I’d be more concerned if the weather wasn’t just cold and clear.  I don’t think the Chargers drop this one.  They are charging (wah wah) in the playoffs where they can disappoint in the first round.

Dallas Cowboys (-1) @ New York Giants
Yikes, I don’t like taking Dallas on the road in New York.  But the Giants have looked terrible for weeks now.   Barring some kind of Brandon Jacobs resurrection, I don’t see what changes for the Giants to get the W.

San Francisco 49ers @ Seattle Seahawks (PK)
I don’t want Alex Smith on the road in Qwest Field.  It wouldn’t surprise me if the Niners won, but it’s not what I think is going to happen.  And that’s the point, right?

Minnesota Vikings (-3) @ Arizona Cardinals*
Amazing what a difference a year makes.  Last year, the Cards struggled on the road and played very well at home, and their offense was explosive and dynamic.  This year? The Cardinals have been terrible at home for the most part and it’s Minnesota’s offense that’s the explosive juggernaut.  Kurt Warner or no, I don’t think the Cards D is going to be able to contain the Grape Crush (with apologies to Broncos fans).

Baltimore Ravens (+3) @ Green Bay Packers
Place me firmly in the camp of “not convinced” when it comes to the Packers second half resurgence.  That’s a house of cards.

Week 12: 8-7-1
Season: 93-79-3
3 Team Tease: 2-4

Green Bay Packers (-13) @ Detroit Lions
Green Bay’s busted defense vs. Detroit’s broken down offense.  Let’s take the points.
The Pick: Detroit (+13)

Oakland Raiders @ Dallas Cowboys (-14)
Might be the wrong call here, but I can’t help but take the points after Oakland stole one last week and Dallas looked like hell against the Redskins.
The Pick: Oakland (+14)

NY Giants (-6) @ Denver Broncos
I’m taking the Giants to cover simply because I don’t think Orton is healthy enough to be effective AND Denver can’t run the ball at all.
The Pick: NY Giants (-6)

–Saturday Update–

I owe you an apology.  This is supposed to be a gambling column, not a sports opinion column, despite all evidence to the contrary.  And those picks right there?  Those picks up there?  Those picks are not the work of a seasoned gambler, but someone who was more interested in looking smart than actually getting picks correct.  I am disgusted with myself for putting that up there knowing full well I spent next to no time looking into things like injuries, the weather, specific defensive and offensive success and failure, and all the other little things I do when trying to make a pick that would make me money.

So, I Keifer Nandez, do solemnly swear that if I’m going to post picks with no research, I’ll put a disclaimer up there saying so.  Not as a built in excuse for being wrong – but to ensure that any other degenerates out there wagering their mortgage based on this idiot’s opinion won’t blame any losses incurred on said idiot for starting the week 0-3 because he was preoccupied with gorging himself on a Thanksgiving feast.

Speaking of the holidays, as I was deciding on a picture for this week’s post, I came across reason #428 why it sucks to live in New England in the winter.  Because during Week 11 at a Patriots game…

…somebody’s hot mom shakes pom poms for the Pats in her winter clothes.  Meanwhile, on the very same day in Tampa…

…these girls twirled around in the most ridiculous excuse for a “skirt” that I’ve ever seen.  So remember, when getting excited about the Patriots being the team of the decade, there’s a reason Tampa Bay can suck year after year and nobody really cares.  Also available in Tampa…

…the Variety Pack.  It has something for everyone.

See?  I told you I’d make it up to you.  As always (except for my earlier lapse), these are the picks I’d make if I was in a sports book with a was of cash in my hand.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Atlanta Falcons (-12.5)
Tampa’s has this thing for covering against mediocre teams.  Sure, they got blown out by the Saints and the Patriots, but they covered against Carolina, Green Bay, and Miami.  Then again, they are going on the road against a team that’s needed to run well to win, and Tampa boasts the league’s worst rushing defense.  All that running’s gonna burn clock, and I just don’t like the Falcons to win by 13.  Frankly, I’d stay away from this.  And if you didn’t think I was genuinely sorry for my terrible picks from Thursday, I just spent at least 15 minutes working up a way to pick this game that I couldn’t care less about.
The Pick: Tampa Bay (+12.5)

Miami Dolphins (-3) @ Buffalo Bills
I don’t particularly like Miami in the cold weather locale, but Buffalo’s offense has been so terrible it’s hard to wager on them to cover any kind of spread, let alone win.  They scored 15 points last week and everyone got all excited simply because it was a good game for Terrell Owens.  If Marshawn Lynch didn’t look like he’s suddenly turned into the useless version of Shaun Alexander (run 3 yards and fall down), I might think Buffalo could manufacture something.  As it is, I’ll take Ricky Williams to run roughshod all over Buffalo’s terrible run defense.
The Pick: Miami (-3)

Cleveland Browns @ Cincinnati Bengals (-15)
Sure, Cleveland exploded for 37 points while the Bengals laid an egg in Oakland, but I don’t think I can help but assume that was an aberration on both counts – a product of the vulnerable defense of the Detroit Lions and an emotional letdown for Cincinnati a week after sweeping Baltimore.  If I’d had to pick this in Week 10, I would taken Cincy in a heartbeat.  I will admit that last week’s results make me feel less confident in this pick, but it’s still the right call.
The Pick: Cincinnati (-15)

Indianapolis Colts (-4) @ Houston Texans*
I’ve seen this mentioned as a potential upset in more than one place this week.  Two things about that?  Why pick against the Colts against a team like Houston?  The Colts have the game’s best closer in Peyton Manning, and the Texans continue to demonstrate week after week that they can’t get it done in crunch time.
The Pick: Indianapolis (-4)

Carolina Panthers @ NY Jets (-2.5)
This is like the mediocrity bowl.  Two 4-6 teams battle for the right to say they suck less!  Two turnover prone embattled quarterbacks struggle to salvage their seasons!  Let’s hope just for the sake on entertainment these teams both stay heavy on the ground and we see a couple of breakaways.  That scenario favors the Panthers just a tad, right?  Say, 3 points worth?
The Pick: Carolina (-2.5)

Washington Redskins @ Philadelphia Eagles (-9)
The Redskins’ strength is in their secondary, which may result in the big play potential of the Eagles being neutralized.  But a big day for LeSean McCoy isn’t out of the question, and I like the single digit spread in this case.  I do hate betting on the Eagles, though.  They always seem to be the worst good team to bet on, because their quarterback and coach can be so maddeningly inconsistent.  The feel like they should be better than 6-4.  Dammit, I just “seed of doubted” myself.  Gut says Eagles.  I’m sticking with it.
The Pick: Philadelphia (-9)

Seattle Seahawks (-2.5) @ St. Louis Rams*
I would have picked the Seahawks even if Marc Bulger hadn’t broken his leg.  Steven Jackson still scares the crap out of me, but I think the Hawks will be able to move the ball this week as well.  I like Seattle to win, and with the small spread, that’s enough.
The Pick: Seattle (-2.5)

Kansas City Chiefs @ San Diego Chargers (-14.5)
The Chargers are starting to get “The Look”, after staying true to Norv Turner tradition and spending the first third of the season looking like crap.  The only thing that worries me here is the possibility of a Chris Chambers Revenge Game.  Ultimately, I believe the Charger offense is going to put up enough points that taking them to cover feels like the right thing to do.  The chances of the shootout are less than 50% in my opinion, and I think a shootout is the only way the Chiefs can cover.
The Pick: San Diego (-14.5)

Jacksonville Jaguars @ San Francisco Giants (-3)
I’m not sure I understand this line.  The Jags are 6-4 versus the Niners’ 4-6.  We went over this with Jacksonville last week – they win but fail to cover against crappy teams and get blown out by good teams.  Sure, that rule’s only really applied when they’ve been favored,  but their close calls have been against some of the dregs of the league.  The Niners’ willingness to put up a fight is enough for me.
The Pick: San Francisco (-3)

Chicago Bears @ Minnesota Vikings (-9.5)*
Have we had a Jay Cutler “mic’d up” yet?  I’ve got to wonder what he says to his team in the huddle.  I feel like he mumbles the play then shouts at the first person to ask him to repeat himself, all the while shaking his head like they are the idiots for not hearing his play call.  Then I bet he pouts and leaves after the game without saying a word to anyone.  Jay sure does look like he feels sorry for himself.  Life is so haaard as a quarterback!  Oh, right, the game.  The Vikings win going away.
The Pick: Minnesota (-9.5)

Arizona Cardinals @ Tennessee Titans (-3)
I don’t particularly like the Cards traveling East, and I’d stay away from this because of Kurt Warner’s questionable status.  I’ll assume he can’t go and that Matt Leinart can’t get it done against the resurgent Titans.  I expect the Vince Young/Chris Johnson tandem to be effective on the ground, and that should be good enough to get the W.
The Pick: Tennessee (-3)

Pittsburgh Steelers @ Baltimore Ravens (-2)
It’s the “Hey, Aren’t These Teams Supposed To Be Good?” game of the week.  Minus Troy Polamalu, and plus a recent Roethlisberger concussion, I can’t wager on the Steelers to get it done.
The Pick: Baltimore (-2)

New England Patriots @ New Orleans Saints (-2.5)
Now this is a quality Monday Night Football game.  I don’t like it for betting purposes, but I sure am excited to watch it.  I like the Saints in this game, and I can’t pick against an undefeated team with that offensive firepower versus a leaky-at-times New England defense.  I believe Brady and his boys can keep it close though.  Let’s all hope we get a 38-35 kinda game.
The Pick: New Orleans (-2.5)

Week 11: 9-7
Season: 85-72-2
3 Team Tease: 1-4

Miami Dolphins @ Carolina Panthers (-3)
Jake Delhomme has gone three games without throwing a pick!  Did you know that in all but one game this season, if Jake threw for less than 200 yards, the Panthers won?  The only exception is the season opener, where he threw for only 73 yards, but completed four passes to the Eagles secondary.  Seriously.  Go see for yourself.  The point?  The point is that it seems as though John Fox has realized he has two talented backs and perhaps the best game plan when your QB keeps sucking is to let those fools run wild.  Not to mention that the focus on the running game has elevated Original Steve Smith back to relevance.  Oh, and Ronnie Brown hit the IR this week.  I think that might matter too.
THE PICK: Carolina (-3)

–Friday Update–

She's not turning her head, Ricky Williams just ran by

You know what sucks about Thursday night football?  Putting together the Friday picks update and watching your initial pick, right up top there for all the world to see, come completely apart right in front of your eyes.  I do say, it is mightily distracting to know you totally blew it already once when trying to pick 15 other games.  For what it’s worth, Jake Delhomme passed for more than 200 yards in this Carolina loss (and threw a pretty gross pick – Jake, if you’re going to have to sail the ball because you’re under pressure, over the middle of the field is probably not the best place to do it).  So, at the very least, some piece of my analysis was prescient.

The problem for Carolina last night was defense.  Who knew there was no answer for Ricky Williams?  And how about the speed displayed by those 32 year old legs?  Ricky scored TDs off the edge two different times in this game, and ran for tough yards up the middle as well.  I’m interested to see how this progresses over the last 6 weeks of the season – sure, Carolina’s run D is pretty terrible, but Miami only sees one more Top 10 rushing defense the rest of the way (the #1 Steelers, in Week 17).  Suddenly, Miami looks primed for a first round playoff exit.

At least the game was fun to watch last night.  It’s Friday, I’m in a good mood, let’s make some money.

Indianapolis Colts @ Baltimore Ravens (PK)*
I’m not going to bother rehashing the Pats’ choke Colts’ win last week.  Nothing that happened changed my feelings about how this game is going to play out.  The Ravens have a better ground game, but in order for that to really come into play, they’d have to build an early lead.  Both these teams have issues in the secondary.  One team has Joe Flacco and Derrick Mason.  The other team has Peyton Manning and Reggie Wayne.
THE PICK: Indianapolis

Washington Redskins @ Dallas Cowboys (-12)
I personally am not offended by the term “Redskins”.  I understand that it’s offensive, but I’ve never heard it used in offensive fashion, so perhaps my naiveté renders me unable of being objective about how offensive it really is.  I discussed this recently with a Native American acquaintance, and he summed it up thusly: “No, it doesn’t bother me, but that’s mostly because I don’t care.  Rich white people have been doing whatever they like for centuries in this country, what’s to change it now?  Imagine if Oakland was the ‘Oakland Darkies’.  That’s about the equivalent of what it’s like.”  Ok then, time to change THAT nickname!  Still, the small child in me who grew up before political correctness enjoys the fact that these two teams are playing “Cowboys and Indians” this weekend.
THE PICK: Washington (+12)

Cleveland Browns @ Detroit Lions (-3.5)
When I first wrote this, I accidentally typed Cavaliers instead of Browns.  All this “Could LeBron play in the NFL?” talk clearly has me distracted.  Or, perhaps the Browns are just so terrible that I’ve started to block out their existence.  Speaking of LeBron, I saw a poll online somewhere on ESPN.com that I’m too lazy to go find asking whether LBJ could play in the NFL or not.  The vote split was 60/40 in favor of “yes”.  Are you other 40% just idiots or what?  You don’t think the most dominant physical force we’ve ever seen in the NBA couldn’t play in the NFL?  Are you Jeremy Shockey fans?  The answer to that question is yes, yes, a thousand times yes, and if we were lucky enough to see it happen it would be one of the coolest sports stories of all time.  You’d watch every single effing Browns’ game, that’s for damn sure.
THE PICK: Detroit (-3.5)

San Francisco @ Green Bay (-5.5)
I’m so confused by both of these teams.  They both have numerous warts, but also both feel like teams that could beat any team on any given week.  I want to believe that last week’s win over Dallas was a turning point for the Packers, but there’s nothing about a win over the Cowboys that makes me feel good about betting on Green Bay.  Dallas just stinks of fraud.  Let’s look at it from this angle:  The Niners beat a terrible Bears team by 4 last week, barely hanging on to the victory after Jay Cutler threw his fifth interception.  5 turnovers should equal a sizeable win against what has been a terrible defense.  If Green Bay’s defense even plays at 80% of the level we saw against Dallas, the Packers should win easily (I typed that with such conviction, but I don’t believe a word of it.  Stay away from this.)
THE PICK: Green Bay (-5.5)

Jacksonville Jaguars (-8) @ Buffalo Bills
Could the Jags hose me one more time please?  I have not picked one Jags game correctly all season.  Take that as fair warning.  I’m going to analyze this from a completely objective standpoint, with no actual football factors involved.  What’s Jax done against the spread this year?

Week 1 – 7 point dogs to Indy – covered and lost 14-12
Week 2 – 3 point favorites over Arizona – lost 31-17
Week 3 – 3.5 point dogs to Houston – won 31-24
Week 4 – 3 point dogs to TEN – won 37-17
Week 5 – PK with Seattle – lost 41-0
Week 6 – 10 point dogs to STL – failed to cover but won 23-20
Week 7 – BYE
Week 8 – 3 point dogs to TEN (déjà vu) – lost 30-13
Week 9 – 6.5 point favorites over KC – failed to cover but won 24-21
Week 10 – 7 point dogs to the Jets – won 24-22

So they haven’t covered as a favorite once this year.  That’s enough for me.
THE PICK: Buffalo (+8) Gross!

Pittsburgh Steelers (-10) @ Kansas City Chiefs*
Pittsburgh’s got talent, they have just struggled in some big spots this year.  It seems that Big Ben’s late game luck may have finally started to balance out.  That said, the Steelers may have struggled against quality teams, but they have little trouble beating up on the league’s weak sisters.
THE PICK: Pittsburgh (-10)

Seattle Seahawks @ Minnesota Vikings (-11)
The Vikings did struggle to cover the 15.5 against Detroit, and I don’t like laying this many points, but at home, against a team that does not play well on the road and who simply doesn’t have the horses to cover all the Vikings’ weapons and has folded over and over again this season?  I like the Vikings, and I like them big.
THE PICK: Minnesota (-11)

Atlanta Falcons @ New York Giants (-7)
I don’t know what to make of the Falcons.  What I do know is that if you look at their record this year, they haven’t beaten anyone who I believe to be as good as or better than the Giants, and they have lost to teams that I believe to be worse than the Giants.  As long as the Giants QB is Eli Manning I’m looking at the weather report for East Rutherford, and it looks pretty mild this weekend in New Jersey.  Sounds like a Giants win to me.
THE PICK: NY Giants (-7)

New Orleans Saints (-11.5) @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers*
The Saints have failed to cover two weeks in a row against relatively crappy teams (St. Louis, Carolina) when faced with a double digit spread.  But taking the points means betting on Josh Freeman, Derrick Ward, and Head Coach Raheem Morris.  No thank you.
THE PICK: New Orleans (-11.5)

Arizona Cardinals (-9) @ St. Louis Rams
On the other side of the duvet, the Rams have covered two games in a row, and Steven Jackson is now officially having one of the greatest “Great Player on a Bad Team” seasons in recent NFL history.  Arizona is still suspect on D, but I feel like too many things have to go right for the Rams to cover here.
THE PICK: Arizona (-9)

San Diego Chargers (-3) @ Denver Broncos
This game is now OFF on every betting site I can find (call it the Kyle Orton Factor).  But I did see this 3 point line earlier in the week so that’s what we’re going with.  Sorry Broncos fans, I don’t see the losing streak ending this week, San Diego is taking care of business lately.  Also, if Chris Simms really is the starter, you’re fucked from the get-go.
THE PICK: San Diego (-3)

New York Jets @ New England Patriots (-10.5)
I’m just going with Angry Belichick here.
THE PICK: New England (-10.5)

Cincinnati Bengals (-9.5) @ Oakland Raiders
It sucks when your solution at QB is Bruce Gradkowski.  I suppose there’s a chance this thing could be close, when you consider that the Bengals top two offensive weapons are going to be MIA (Benson to injury, Ochocinco to the Nnamdi Asomugha fantasy points black hole), but then again, Bruce Gradkowski.
THE PICK: Cincinnati (-9.5)

Philadelphia Eagles (-2) @ Chicago Bears
Really?  Two points?  Against the Bears?  I realize Brian Westbrook is important, but didn’t the Eagles just beat the holy hell out of the Giants without him?  I’d tease this but the Eagles coach is still Andy Reid, and god forbid they let the Bears hang around.
THE PICK: Philadelphia (-2)

Tennessee Titans @ Houston Texans (-3.5)
I’m always curious about the fan dynamic in games like these.  Certainly there must be old Houston Oilers fans that followed the team to Tennessee and never made the switch, right?  I’d like to watch this game at a bar in Houston surrounded by both kinds of fans.  If an enterprising University of Houston anthropology major wants to study this and write it up, you can run it here.  At any rate, while Tennessee certainly is fun to watch and Chris Johnson seems to be a mix of young LaDainian Tomlinson and Barry Sanders, it’s hard to bet on a team that’s yet to beat anyone with a winning record.  I fully believe Tennessee can win this game, but I don’t think they’re going to.
THE PICK: Houston (-3.5)

Week 10: 8-7
Season: 76-65-2
3 Team Tease: 1-3
Before I sign off for the weekend, I feel compelled to explain the 3 team tease payoff here.  Sure, I’m 1-3 since I started tracking but a three team tease generally pays out at minimum 12-1, so the one victory covers 12 weeks of additional betting.  Also, I wouldn’t make this bet every week, but I’m just offering my opinion on what three teamer I’d bet.  Do with it what you will.  The point is, even if you only hit 2 three teamers all season, you’d end up in the black.

Chicago Bears @ San Francisco 49ers (-3)
These teams are remarkable similar, except in their strengths.  Both have massive questions on the defensive side of the ball, particularly in the secondary.  Both are underachieving and looking like they have no shot to make the playoffs.  But the 49ers have something important the Bears lack, something that’s particularly important when two crappy teams face off: a running game.  Sure, the Bears have Jay Cutler at QB, and no matter how hard you want to try and sell me on the “resurrection” of Alex Smith, he’s still not Jay Cutler.  But while Cutler is probably good for 2-3 TD passes, he’s probably also good for at least one backbreaking pick.  I say between that and Frank Gore, the Niners get a W.
THE PICK: San Francisco (-3)

–Friday Update–

I haven’t had occasion this season to feature the 49ers cheerleaders, or the “Gold Rush” to those in the know.  After spending a few minutes skimming through pictures, I do declare that I have been missing out.  Perhaps I would have known that after last night, but what the hell is up with the NFL Network’s HD?  It’s on an HD channel, my TV is connected with an HDMI cable, there’s a little “NFL HD” logo in the upper right corner, but I can say with unequivocal certainty that the game last night was not in HD.  The picture was nearly as bad as Fox Sports’ “HD” coverage, a service my cronies and I have taken to calling “Ah-chay Day” as if it were the Mexican equivalent of HD.

Lies!

Get it together, NFLN.  I have to pay extra already to get your stupid channel, I’d rather it not look like everyone was covered in a fine layer of digital hair.  Perhaps I’m spoiled, but I’ve been watching sports in HD long enough now that I’ve forgotten what it’s like to see a game that looks like shit (and this is coming from a guy who has watched a World Series in a parking lot with rabbit ears – “Is that the ball?!  I don’t know. Did he catch it?!  Who?  Which team is that?!”).  I’m willing to deal with it begrudgingly when I’ve got no other choice, but when I kick back with a beer in the comfort of my own home to enjoy the NFL on a weekday evening (which I love), I want the best picture possible, and right now, NFLN is not delivering.

Nice to start the week off on a high note with a 49ers cover, let’s see what the rest of the weekend has in store.

Atlanta Falcons (-1) @ Carolina Panthers
Both these teams can run the ball, and each are facing the 24th and 23rd ranked run defense, respectively.  So if we call that a wash, we’ve got to look at the passing game.  Matt Ryan has been pretty terrible the last few weeks, but Jake Delhomme was abjectly horrendous for weeks prior.  I think this is a winnable game for Carolina, but I also think the Falcons might still be a playoff team, and if I’m right about that, then they have to win here.
THE PICK: Atlanta (-1)

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Miami Dolphins (-10)
What the hell was the deal last week with Green Bay?  Are they that cooked?  It’s not like Tampa looked good, Green Bay just couldn’t do anything.  I’ve been vascillating on my opinion of Miami week to week, but other than the Ted Ginn game against the Jets, they have looked pretty effective, and they’ve lost some heartbreakers to good teams.  It’s not that I don’t think Miami is going to win, but I don’t like laying 10, I don’t like it at all.
THE PICK: Miami (-10)

Detroit Lions @ Minnesota Vikings (-15.5)*
Let me put it this way.  In a fantasy league, I am starting both Sidney Rice and Percy Harvin.
THE PICK: Minnesota (-15.5)

Jacksonville Jaguars @ New York Jets (-7.5)
Lots of talk this week about how it feels like the Jags are something like 2-6, despite the fact that both of these teams are 4-4.  The Jags, however, are 3-1 at home and 1-3 on the road, and can’t cover to save their lives.  Their 3 home wins?  A drubbing of Tennessee in Week 4, followed by 3 point wins over St. Louis and Kansas City.  That is really really gross.  Meanwhile their average margin of defeat on the road is 20 (by 2 to Indy, by 41 (!) to Seattle, and then by 17 to Tennessee).  I originally liked the Jags to cover here because I hardly believe in the Jets, but the more I look at what Jax has done this year, the more I expect them to get rolled.
THE PICK: NY Jets (-7.5)

Cincinnati Bengals @ Pittsburgh Steelers (-7.5)
Do you believe that the Steelers lost to the Bears in week 2?  That’s not relevant, I just wanted to point it out because it’s shameful and I hate the Steelers.  I’m coming around on the Bengals, particularly after the season sweep of Baltimore.  But, looking at Cincy’s schedule, they really haven’t been tested on the road (@GB, @CLE, @BAL).  I don’t necessarily think the Bengals are going to win, but I like them to keep it close.
THE PICK: Cincinnati (+7.5)

New Orleans Saints (-14) @ St. Louis Rams*
Two weeks in a row that the Saints have failed to cover.  Of course, that was a money maker for me last week, so who am I to complain.  Look, Steven Jackson is going to get his yards, but St. Louis is terrible.  Watch one of their games if you haven’t yet.  Everybody but Jackson has a look on their face like they can’t wait for the season to end.  When their down by 4 TDs in the 4th Quarter of this one, that look might become so prevalent on their sideline that your TV will start to emit an actual stench.
THE PICK: New Orleans (-14)

Buffalo Bills @ Tennessee Titans (-6.5)
Only two teams in the league would have their starting QB come off injury and not have a single fan excited for the boost that should give the team.  As long as Vince Young has Chris Johnson, the Titans should continue to beat up on the bad teams left on their schedule.
THE PICK: Tennessee (-6.5)

Denver Broncos (-4.5) @ Washington Redskins*
How bad have the Broncos looked in their two losses?  They haven’t been able to do anything, and I mean anything at all, on offense.  They don’t really have much of a run game and if Kyle Orton can’t check down, the Broncos offense sputters.  The Redskins, though, are missing Chris Cooley, Clinton Portis, and now Ladell Betts has an ankle issue.  If Roc Alexander is getting carries, you know the team is in trouble.
THE PICK: Denver (-4.5)

Kansas City Chiefs @ Oakland Raiders (-1)
So, Kansas City has only won one game and the Raiders two?  This game is horrible.  What I do know is that over the course of the season when picking games, barring that Eagles fiasco, I’ve felt good picking the Raider games.  What I haven’t felt good about and have struggled with is KC, which seems like they are capable of more week to week.  What does that mean?  I have no idea.
THE PICK: Kansas City (+1)

Seattle Seahawks @ Arizona Cardinals (-9)
As I started to break down this game into strengths and weaknesses, I realized that the Seahawks are just a crappier version of Arizona.  Questionable run game, huge issues in the defensive secondary, decent pass rush, awesome downfield passing game.  Wait, that last one is just Arizona.  Barring some kind of turnover mess, the Cardinals should win this one going away.
THE PICK: Arizona (-9)

Dallas Cowboys (-3) @ Green Bay Packers
Green Bay has become a team that you don’t want to have money involved with, and I mean that both betting with and against them.  They’re clearly talented, but their offensive line issues are too problematic to expect any consistency week to week.  Unfortunately, teams like this sometimes have games where things go their way.  Stay away from the Pack until something changes.
THE PICK: Dallas (-3)

Philadelphia Eagles @ San Diego Chargers (-3)
Norv Turner vs. Andy Reid.  Which team is going to have a late game clock-management gaffe in this one?  After that debacle last week, I just can’t take the Eagles, particularly on the road.  Let us not forget that the last time they visited the West Coast, they pooped their pants against Oakland.  San Diego came through for me against the Giants, I’m sticking with them.
THE PICK: San Diego (-3)

New England Patriots @ Indianapolis Colts (-2.5)
I feel like the Pats are going to win this game.  The Colts defensive issues scare me, particularly since it seems that Tom Brady continues to improve each week.  That said, can you bet against Peyton Manning in a game like this one?  I don’t know.  Don’t put money on this one unless you want to be crying into your beer at the end of the night.
THE PICK: Indianapolis (-2.5)

Baltimore Ravens @ Cleveland Browns (-12)
I’m still not betting on Cleveland.  Ever.  At this point they should just get Josh Cribbs the ball on every play.  It will be better than than anything else they’ve done all season.
THE PICK: Baltimore (-12)

Week 9: 8-4

Season: 69-58-2

3 Team Tease: 1-2